Overwhelmed

*Disclaimer.  Although I feel overwhelmed, I realize that my life is full with blessings.  Especially in light of the current situation of loss and devastation in Haiti, the concerns that I express are trivial in nature.* 

Over the past three weeks I have wrestled with myself on many accounts.  I've been overly frustrated with a highchair that didn't work quite right, an antibiotic that did more harm than good and a life situation that I'm just not thrilled about.  Like many people do, I've found issue with countless things that wouldn't phase me if I were in another time and place in life.  But instead of mole hills, I've created mountains in my mind.

Let me explain.

Do you know those type of friends who will say something- even though it is harder for them to get out of their mouth than it is for you to hear?  A dear friend of mine looked me in the eye over the holidays and said, Megan, "that" is just not normal.  I really feel like you need to investigate "this" a little further.

Investigation led to discovery, as it often does and unfortunately it also led to my constant feeling of being overwhelmed.

An honest praise of thanksgiving for Lillie's overall health is inserted here.  I could not be more humbled by the perfect gift that I have been given in my baby girl.  She is a blessing in every way.

That being said, Lillie has a very fixable swallowing/feeding issue.  After an amazingly scientific modified barium swallow study, we have learned that Lillie was perfectly formed with an arched tongue that has caused her to have an uncoordinated suck-swallow pattern, aspiration of liquids into her lungs and reflux- none of which we have treated in her six months of life.

As her Mimi says, Lillie is nothing if not adaptable.  She has figured it out her own way and thrived.

Originally I was overwhelmed by the thought of weekly feeding therapy in Raleigh, the possibility of delayed speech, the daily reflux medicine, the thickening of liquids, the baby sign language...

Yet, after I was still with the Lord, it was evident that I'm instead overwhelmed with guilt.  There is the "I should have known guilt" and the "How would I have known because I've been at work guilt" and the "She has been crying during every feeding since she was born guilt".  

And then I have the guilt the comes with looking forward, the "I'm not at home to take her to her feeding therapy guilt" and the "She requires modified cornstarch in every bottle guilt" and the "How will I teach someone else the right way to feed my baby guilt".

Guilt hollows out a person.  I have wrestled with changing every situation.  I want to force things to be different, to be better.

After one small victory today, it is evident that I cannot change the things that are causing me guilt.  Yes, I did received a brand new highchair free of charge, 4 days after speaking with the amazing customer service representatives at Chicco.  Do I feel better, less guilty... nope. 

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. - Victor E. Frankl

At this time Lillie has feeding issues that require patience, hard work, trust in others and prayer.  At this time I need to go to work to support our family.  These two truths remain at the end of every day.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;
I have come that

they may have life,
and have it to the full."  John 10:10

I have challenged myself to change- to not let the thief (the guilt) steal the overwhelming and abundant joy that surrounds me daily.

Thus, I resolve to be overwhelmed with joy.