Brad knew, what I didn't know, that had already changed my life.

Two years ago today, I woke up on a sunny Sunday morning in a house filled with only sunshine.  Brad was in San Fransisco on a business trip.  I distinctly remember running into two friends in the parking lot of church who said I looked "chic."  I was wearing my orange high wasted skirt with a knit black top tightly tucked-in.  I felt good.  I felt chic.  I felt happy for no reason and for every reason.

I worshiped the Lord in church.

I got a hold of Brad just as I left church and said these exact words on the phone to him, "Today is going to be a great day, honey, I just know it."  He encouraged me to treat myself to a coffee on the way home- so I did, not thinking twice about the indulgence that he would normally discourage.




I got home and minutes later things unraveled.  My mom walked up to my door, Kevin and Kelsey timidly behind her, and then the wind was knocked out of me.  Memories are scattered, and unorganized from that week.  I remember faces, chocolate, a long car ride, guilt, anger and loneliness.

I will never understand how Brad got through our conversation.  He was desperately trying to find his way quickly across the country to get home to me.  Knowing, what I did not know, what was about to knock the wind out of me.  Knowing that he wouldn't be there when I needed him most.  All the while I was detailing the excitement of the day that I thought was before me.  I told Brad that I felt that the Lord had great plans for me in that day.  Literally, that was the conversation I was trying to have with Brad on the phone... but Brad knew, what I didn't know, that had already changed my life.

Two years ago, my Dad's death, changed me.  I'm still not what I once was.

It was sudden.  Things were left unsaid.  Guilt still swells up.  And for whatever reason, I haven't felt chic since that day.

I'm happy- because I have a million reasons to be filled with joy.  But, it is sort of a serious happiness.
I believe God's great gift to us is that there needs to be no reason for happiness, joy and laughter.

I would love to wake-up on sunny mornings and feel good, feel chic for no reason at all.