deep breath

On Monday I took a long deep breath and headed back to work.  It is kind of like trying to swim 25 meters under water for the first time.  Everyone makes it look so easy - but while your under the water it seems like you may never be able to come up for air.

I've been down this road before.  I've left the smell of a new baby to head to work.  It should have been easier - I knew what to expect.  But somehow it wasn't really.  She is so little, only 8 weeks old.  Doesn't she just need her mommy now.

The thought of the time that is just lost, that I will never get back, is almost too much on my way into work.  The things that I will miss, the firsts that I won't see.  My stomach turns over and over.

It is hard to go back to work - no matter what any one says - it is hard.  I mourn those lost moments with my two girls - I will never be able to reclaim them.

And then you get up and do it again, and again, and again. 

Today, day two, I got in the car and thought - the ugly beautiful of being a working mama of two...
1.  I have two beautiful girls that I have the blessing of missing the heck out of -how lucky am I.
2.  I have a job that I love.  I had a "welcome back" sign in my office from a co-worker and 16 college students who couldn't have been more excited to be back at school and starting the year off with me!  I absolutely live off their energy.
3.  Mimi helped me ease into work life again by staying at home with Mary Hardin for a few days - cooking, cleaning, etc.  What a blessing it is to come home from work to a clean house, dinner on the table and my little lamb in the arms of someone who absolutely adores her.
4.  Brad is desperately trying to be organized and helpful.  We currently have 3 different "duty" charts on our fridge detailing everyone's responsibilities for each day.
5.  I will make a difference in the life of another mama's child today - at work.  I am were I'm suppose to be right now in this day. 

Tonight, I remember to take a deep breath and be thankful to do it again tomorrow.