the life I will live

If I could...

I would tell him how much I love him
I would let him throw Lillie up in the air as high as he could
I would go visit more often
I would ask him to hold Mary Hardin in his calloused hands
I would offered him forgiveness sooner and more completely
I would ask him to take Lillie in a bulldozer or a backhoe or a digger
I would hug him a little closer, for a little longer for the last time
I would apologize over and over and over again
I would enjoy uncle buck pancakes again
I would tell him to work a little less
I would make him know that he has been forgiven
I wouldn't ask so many questions about the past
I would tell him how much I love him

I've spent the past 3 years with a feeling of guilt following me.  The sinking feeling of I should have done more, been more, offered more, tried more.  And finally, just finally, I've grown to understand that my grappling with forgiveness is the very thing that I wish I could have completely conquered before Dad left this earth.

I know that I'm forgiven, and he is forgiven

I know that it is a waste of life to live in the past - holding grudges, thinking about things that happened to me or wishing that I had done things differently.  That is no life that I want to be a part of.

The life that I will live is one that takes each moment and revels in it without the stain or sting of the past, but instead with the hope of the future.

I miss you Daddy - and I love you very much.